This may sound weird, but I want my kids to fail.
Before you summon the authorities, let me explain. In our house, our kids have one job: homework. Every day after school, we expect them to finish their homework. Now that they are 10 and 13 years old, my husband and I do not check assignment books. We do not proofread. We do not help the kids complete their daily assignments. It is by design; we want our kids to be self-sufficient learners. Not only that, we think it's important that our kids have something that is completely their own.
It ain't easy. A little while ago, my daughter realized that she neglected to study for a big test.
Failure loomed.
We didn't get angry. We sympathized, because it's an awful feeling when you realize that you've dropped the ball. We weren't happy that she forgot to study, but we knew that this was a Learning Moment. The fear, discomfort, and regret she was experiencing would motivate her to become a more responsible student far more than the gentle reminders we were so tempted to give.
With any luck, it was the last time she'll forget to check her assignment pad.
To this end, I read a great article called "Let your kids fail," by Chip Ingram. Here is an excerpt:
Now is the time to fail. I want my kids to experience it now so that they will do everything in their power to avoid it next time. Their future depends on it.
What is your homework policy?
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18 comments:
Well, since my oldest is in 2nd grade we're still at the doing every step of the homework together phase. I do make him decide when we will do his homework (before/after dinner, practice, free-time) just to help him learn about time management. I'm hoping that all this homework training will allow me to loosen the reins on him a bit as he ages.
Yes, you are laying down a solid foundation for your son!
I'm sitting at the kitchen table while my son does his homework but he's only 4 and in Pre-K. We are working on developing the habit of doing homework on a daily basis since I know that is coming soon.
I'm so glad my parents taught me that behavior has consequences & allowed me to fail on my own. I see too many adults who have no concept of personal responsiblity.
I agree except for the fact that a childs brain is still devoloping all the way through High School. Mental problems and disorders can pop up and cause failure not through their own fault or diligence. A periodic check of the homework once a month to see if the flow of their work is consistant with past work is a good idea to me.
This was hardest lesson my oldest dtr had to learn - and me as a parent. When she was in 6th grade. we kept her posted on when her science project was due and gave her a deadline on our help - so there wouldn't be any last minute rushes on us. Days came and went and she thought we'd save her at the last minute Of course we didn't and she couldn't believe she got an F ! It has been 9 yrs and she still shakes her head that we didn't bail her out and she was so sure we would. It was the best lesson for all of us altho very difficult to let your kids fail
As a TEACHER and a Mom, I agree with you 100% and congratulate you for your parenting skills! What a wonderful thing to provide the opportunity for your child to fail! =)
Well, since I'm not a mom, I can only pull from my parents' parenting skills here, but they allowed my brother and me to fail and I truly can't remember them sitting down and doing homework with me past first grade. I hated homework, but I did it to keep the grades I felt like I needed to have. Nobody ever yelled at me for a bad grade; I beat myself up over it far worse than anyone else's scolding could have.
Such wonderful advice! I plan on doing this with my son! (he's only 2 1/2 now). I certainly hope he fails and learns from it!
Amen! I was the same with my kids.....as was my parents with us! My mom always said....it's up to you to do your homework and study. I'm not going to school to face the teacher, you are....
boy that stuck with me and it's what I told my own kids.
Kids get bailed out too much by their parents so good for you...your kids will do well in life.
SAME AS YOURS NOW THAT GAGE IS 13. HE HAS FAILED MUCH IN THE LAST FEW YEARS BUT STILL PULLED THROUGH, MAKING HIM STRONGER. AND DON'T FORGET THE COATS, 2 BRAND NEW ONES IN ABOUT 3 MONTHS CUZ I WAS NOT THERE TO REMIND HIM TO GET HIS COAT. I UNFORTUNATELY FELT THE BLOW OF THIS FAILURE BUT BELIEVE ME HE MAKES SURE HE HAS IT NOW
Good words to remember when my kids get older! I let them experience this "responsibility for choices" through other avenues right now, but definitely a good point to remember!
I TOTALLY want my kids to fail. BUT. My oldest son is already struggling simply because of his learning difficulties. So I have to assist more than I want to. The plan is to get him to the point where he's able to do more, but right now he needs that help.
I agree with what you did. It's a hard lesson, but it's a good lesson.
I have learned the hard way the letting them fail is the only kind thing to do. So, I let them fail. Some fail more than others. But hopefully, they will all learn from their experiences.
I think I will eventually being letting my kids organise their own homework schedule with no or little help. Only one of our boys currently has to do homework and he is proving to be really good with it - so far!
My girls are getting to that age where I know I need to start letting them make their own mistakes, I can feel the fear and dread creeping in.... I don't want to let go, but I know it's the best thing for them!
Once I can't understand their homework they are on their own.
Right now I let my 3rd grader decide which day of the week he'll work on his homework packet. I think he is learning that waiting until Thursday is NOT a good plan. He already has most of it completed for this week. YAY. (The teacher hands the packet out on Fridays.)
As far as helping them with life experiences, that is a tough call at times. Lots of gray areas. I firmly believe in letting them work through situations on their own but right now my 8 year old is so full of anxiety it is scary. Long story. I post about it all the time. He's my 4th so I feel like I know a little about when to get involved and when to step back, but it is a case by case decision. I have wonderful adult children who still come to us for advice.
Whoa, I just commented about much more than my homework policy. Sorry. :)
Excellent post, btw.
We are also in the early elementary stage with our oldest being in second grade. But I can already tell how tempting it will be to "rescue" her as she grows old enough to be responsible. Thank you for the encouragement. I'll file it away for later years.
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